Author: scarredjoy

Perhaps I should have entitled this post, “Talking About My Death!” There are signs in our death and dying evading society that ever so slowly people are coming out of the closet of corporate death timidity or fear. Surprise, surprise, we are all going to die! Rather than running like mad and ignoring the rest of this post let’s calm down as we continue. This will be an ongoing discussion as we grow and share together.
Not only has many or most evangelical type churches not kept up with the aging of the Baby Boomers or “seniors adult” issues for instance, but many are woefully negligent in helping people die well. Much of the emphasis has been on such things as “living well” or “living a victorious life”! This is all good and well and is certainly “part” of what church teaching is about. We have also sadly not developed a theology of dying as a balanced view of the life.
I am not out to turn people against church life or following life as Jesus Christ called His people to. I have worked serving people for a long time now including within church communities. I am however willing to say Christians in North America for the most part have adopted the death evading attitude of the rest of society. I’m not sure if this pattern will continue and hopefully church leaders will begin to take the ministry needs of their congregations related to aging more seriously. This includes the very important reality of death and dying.
I mention the statements above not to upset anyone, especially church leaders (pastor types, etc.) but to encourage the church community to catch a vision to turn things around and face death and dying issues head on. A number of years ago I came to a point in my life and ministry to hopefully be part of changing our culture’s views on death and dying, including that of many church communities. One of these ways was to confront my own hesitancy to consider personal mortality. I came to understand more and more that I too one day will die. There will be a point in time for me to die. Flowers will still grow and the seasons will continue to change but I will not be around to enjoy them. This is very sobering and also very emotionally healthy to contemplate.
I will go on with this discussion again soon in another post. For now, I hope those who read this post will at least reflect on it a bit for one day you will die as well.

Life goes on and sometimes we may wonder how and why. Life can be so hard at times and so devastatingly crushing. I heard some sad news today. A very young boy died around Christmas time. He was born with what some people would call a health challenge. Such sad passings are the kind that cause people to rage against the heavens and scream at God. I don’t know the little fella neither do I know his parents. Do I really have to know them to feel sad for them? I hope they have shoulders to cry on when needed. I pray that if time seems to have stopped for his family they will gain the strength to go on.
Can there be anything more profoundly soul destroying than a child’s death? It is something that probably most of us would run from. Perhaps however we need to consider what we mean to each other. If you are like me you don’t get along with everyone. There may be people you just don’t gravitate to or get along with. We don’t however wish sadness upon them. Perhaps on the other hand,crushing sadness causes us to love deeper and hold each other closer.

Those who suffer from the grief due to the death of a child may often remember that child at this time of year. It isn’t unusual for the grief to be heightened with the coming of Christmas. I have heard of parents who still prepare a place at Christmas dinner for the child they mourn.
Many of us certainly love the Christmas season. I know I do. I have fun with my family and enjoy what the season brings. I am all mindful however of those who remember the children they would love to see and hold and play with again. If you know of someone who has experienced the “loss” of a child in however that loss may have come about, please take time to come alongside these loved ones and bless them with your company.

A Reflection on stories of people who hurt:
It came quietly at least that’s what most people thought. Loved ones, friends even those at work didn’t notice anything right away. It was gradual and it was real. For most it was life as usual and he seemed fine. Deep within however, in that place of private soul pain it was brewing. He thought at one time he might approach at least someone who might understand but fear of stigma caused him to withdraw. The fear took root. He was now in its embrace. It came slowly without fanfare. By the time he saw it he was enveloped in the “darkness.” He felt the numbness and oh how strange that is, that one can “feel” numbness. He wept but silently where only the loneliness could hear. The darkness was able to tone down his screams for God’s mercy but perhaps he thought, even God cannot break through the darkness.
It would be quite some time before he found the will to try and get some help from his torture. The stigma you see is felt deeply by those being crushed by depression. There are those who think the sufferer is looking for attention or is trying to run from the responsibilities of life. They act like Job’s so called friends as noted in the Bible. Their words are but a form of torture. They are useless to the one in pain. There are those who say he must have more “faith” and trust God. Mercifully some find those who truly care, those who know how to love the one gripped by darkness. Often they are aware of their own frailties. They represent hope. The trapped one may slowly, ever so tentatively, come out from the darkness. He joins the company of those mindful of their pain, those who now live a life of “scarred joy”! He walks among the rest of humanity aware that life can go on in spite of the ever present awareness that the “darkness” welcomes him.

My love to those trying to escape the “darkness”.

Please invite your family or friends or others you believe may be able to follow Scarred Joy.

I imagine some people would be shocked at the title of this post.  On the other hand, no one is forced to read my blog.  I’m a Christian or as a popular term today says, I’m a “Jesus follower.”  That’s just how it is! I’ve been a church going guy for a long time and longer than I have been a “Jesus follower.” I can explain that if someone asks me to.

Here is what I want to say today about grief. Some of the things other Christians have related to grief seem to lack sincerity and are of little if any help to those who grieve. I refer to them as “myths of grief.”  Things like, “God knows what you are going through!”  Well, so what? What does that actually mean? How does it help the person in grief? Here is another one that makes me shake my head. “God won’t give you any more than you can handle!” Wow, that makes me feel better! A response to this could be something like “Oh, I get it, my wife and I have been looking forward to our baby being born but the doctor just told us the baby has died inside my wife. What more could God have us handle? Are we supposed to think, oh that’s not so bad maybe the baby could have actually been born then died! Would that have been more than we could handle?” Here is one that could really send a person round the bend. “We are so sorry the baby died, but at least you have other children and maybe you can even have another baby!” That one is so heartless that I’m not going to comment.

The words in the previous paragraph capture some of the comments I have heard over the years from “well meaning” people. I put “well meaning” in quotation marks just to give people the benefit of the doubt. I would also categorize these comments as “the crap of some religious views on grief.”  I call them “religious views” because they are not restricted only to Christians.

Okay, I’ve caught my breath since writing this post so far so let me just continue a little bit more. I think we are now coming to a time where people are using their hearts as well as their brains when coming alongside grieving people. It seems we are becoming a bit more thoughtful or empathetic before opening our mouths to offer “words of comfort.” At least I hope so.

You see, I am more sensitive to hearing the stories of grieving people like the parents of children who have died, or were “stillborn,” or were “born sleeping,” than I am those who may hide their own feelings behind myths of grief. Those who only make people feel their grief deeper because of insensitivity.

At Scarred Joy you are invited to pour out your grief as much as you want. I won’t spout off very often like I did today. I hope through Scarred Joy readers will feel more compassion than anything else. Even if you disagree with me you are welcome here.

Take care for now!

It is not uncommon to hear people talking about grief like it is an illness one will “get over” or some kind of irritant that will pass with time. I can’t stand that attitude! To some people it even seems like a philosophy of life that blabbers, “Yes, grief will enter our lives but it will pass, we will get ‘over it” and life will go on,you will move forward. Once you “recover” you will be able to join the human race again!” This is how my mind hears and processes a view like that. It isn’t worth giving attention too, no matter how common it may be.

Grief cannot be treated like an illness or a depression. Grief is real! It is a longing of the soul for things to be as they once were, it is a yearning for life to be as it once was yet also knowing this can never be. Grief indicates life will never be the same again.

In the context of Scarred Joy grief relates to that sense of “loss” that results from the death of a loved one, or divorce (death of a marriage), or the death of a dear pet, or a sense of violation that is a result of a violent attack like rape, or dare I say it, the death of one’s child or children, or experiencing or witnessing another type of life crushing trauma.  Something inside you changes forever.

It is amazing that people go on living in spite of life altering suffering. Perhaps you have experienced something horrible something that has stopped you in your tracks although time has moved on.  You may realize however that you have survived. I hope you have discovered that you are amazing as well.