The Cry of Unfairness

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  • “What do you think of your God now? If He loves us why would He take my son from me? Tell me that!”
  • “She was just starting out in life. She was one of the good kids, now she’s gone. It just isn’t fair.”
  • “He’s been lingering for days. He doesn’t eat or drink. He doesn’t talk to us anymore. Why can’t God just let him go?”
  • “She was our baby. We loved her and still do. She lived for only a day. Even that single day was uncomfortable for her. She died in her mom’s arms.”

Experiences in life may cause a person to cry out about the unfairness of it all. The statements that opened this post all speak about the death of loved ones. I will narrow this post down to “unfairness” in the context of the death of a loved one.


Dear readers, we all face difficult times. They seem more challenging when we are trying to find answers that seem elusive. This accentuates our thoughts of unfairness. It seems so unjust. This can also lead to despair. Psychologist Viktor Frankl noted, “Despair is suffering without meaning.” Despair is a terrible place in life to be.

From the years I have devoted to coming alongside people I come away with this belief. There is always some meaning in our suffering. Without meaning we become lost in despair. I have encountered countless people who grieve the death of a loved one. There have been a number who have cried about the “unfairness” of such a loss.

When one is going through a heartbreaking experience in life it can lead to a conclusion that life is unfair. This sense of unfairness is compounded when one thing after the other kicks us in the teeth, so to speak. Many people begin to fall into the trap of self-defeat. They are so tired of feeling sad, for instance, all they can see or feel is despair or that they just can’t go on.

Finding meaning in our grief or suffering helps in establishing our purpose in life. Hang on to that statement because it is true. It may not, however, be an easy endeavour or discovery. It may take a change in one’s perspective regarding “unfairness.”

A Change In Perspective

The following thought may give you opportunity to reflect on your situation from a different perspective. Perhaps you are unfair to your life. This point isn’t meant to minimize your suffering or difficult time in life. Life indeed can confront us with all sorts of experiences that are cringe worthy.

Let me repeat the point I have mentioned then I will unpack what I mean. “Perhaps you are unfair to your life.” Right now, this very second, life may be folding in on you. You are in so much pain that it is taking all your energy. You have nothing left. Your mind bombards your heart with thoughts like, what’s the point? You may be teetering on the point of despair. You thought the same thing yesterday and the day before that. Your pain over the death of your loved one has gone on for years now.

In spite of these negative overwhelming thoughts that have gone on for a long time you still open your eyes to another day. Isn’t that amazing? You really haven’t given up. You may see life through a filter of pain but you still get up. This simple ordinary experience is one of hope. Deep down inside you and covered by the crap of seeming despair is hope. Hope like meaning leads to purpose.

Be fair to yourself. Give yourself credit for being strong. Turn the energy it takes to fill your mind with doubts and unfairness into moving forward, seeing the beauty of life and the beauty of you. Yes, the beauty of who you are and your purpose in life.

You are amazing and strong. You are more than the limitations of your experience or situation. Think of it, you have nowhere else to turn but up. Look up toward goals you once had in life. Resurrect these goals. They are part of who you are.

Turn from the whole idea of “unfairness” and allow yourself to heal from this thought that has beat you down. In unfairness you are expressing your woundedness. In being fair to your life you are saying, “I want to heal myself.” Reach out to others who love you and persevere together. Allow them to walk with you on your road to regaining your strength and hope.

Perhaps you grieve the death of one you loved more than your own life. To you this death has culminated in your view that all of life is unfair. This unfairness has clouded your ability to see any meaning in life. To use the term used earlier on turn from being “unfair to your life” and live for that loved one so missed.

Think of how you envisioned life with that person. Think of the deep joy that made your heart strong with love. You have not lost that love. It has been clouded over by the dense fog of unfairness you have come to nurture. Find that love again and live it.

You cannot undo the death of your loved one. It has happened. You can, however, feel love again. You can live in love again. Even in living without your loved one you can still love your life. You can live for your loved one. It can be done and you can make it happen. Yes, you can!

The road ahead to healing may indeed be a long one but it will be worth it. Leave unfairness in the dust. Push beyond the mountain of doubt you have built and reach the beauty of your life you know is inside. Yes, it can be done! You can do it.

Scarred Joy hopes at least some of what has been said rings true with you. It is, however, up to you what you do with your life. Accept the fact you are a gift to life. Now, what are you going to do with your gift?

If this post has been speaking to you please comment and honor me by informing me how your life is changing.

4 thoughts on “The Cry of Unfairness

    1. Thank you Sandra. “Unfairness” can add to our suffering. It can also have a person begin a journet toward healing and especially if someone is walking beside the person in the journey. You are a “wounded healer.” That is a gift in itself my friend.


  1. I have experienced much unfairness in life. My trap is when I start comparing my life to others and wonder why they haven’t had to suffer as much and feel envious of all that they have accomplished. I am helped most when I treat myself with kindness and look after myself as comparing myself to others only brings on that despair that you are talking about. You have written this in a very clear way Alan and it speaks to me especially because I have been learning to do just what you have talked about; to honor the life I have and the lives of those who I loved who were taken way too young. I really like how you said, “perhaps you are being unfair to your own life.” That will stick with me as I continue to learn to treat myself better and set new goals.


    1. I always love your honesty in your comments and posts. You have endured in spite of suffering my friend. I look forward to hearing how you continue to move forward in your life. Thank you so much Gloria. 🙂


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