It can grip you in a way that is difficult to explain unless one has experienced it. It is so painful that every part of you may agonize. The pain, oh my God, the pain
Scarred Joy posts do not shy away from painful experiences. This includes personal experiences. Pain reminds me of my own humanity, vulnerability and that my emotions are part of me.
I began this post referring to “it.” The “it” I want to present in this post is known as depression.
This post is not meant as a clinical explanation of causes or symptoms of depression etc. The post relates to how people, including myself, have experienced this illness. This post will note some things common in depression. The post will also present an idea of what experiencing depression is like. I will include a Scarred Joy point of hope. I am not offering an exhaustive explanation of depression.
I would like every person who will read this post and has lived depression to know one thing. I am one of you. We are bonded together. For that reason I will write this post in first person.
- Like a tunnel
- Dark even in the light
- Messed up.
- Day in and day out
- For some it is fleeting and temporary, triggered by events in life
- Avoiding conversations
- If I can sleep I wake up tired
- Depression makes my body, mind and soul feel tired.
- Not wanting to end my life yet perceiving it as being without meaning.
- Living in a tunnel and not seeing any light ahead
- Wanting to go anywhere else but to work
- Being with people yet lonely.
- God is distant
- God has left me
- I let everyone down.
- Acting as if life is great in order to hide from other people so they don’t know my truth.
- Feeling dead inside
- Being embarrassed or ashamed to let anyone know I am depressed
- My smiles are a mask to hide my pain
- Day to day living is tedious
- Evenings are long and exhausting
- Wanting to scream yet afraid other people will then know I am in pain.
- Depression can be creative
- It longs for companionship of loving people.
- Depression mixes me up.
In depression I may watch the world go by. It may seem I am the only one trapped in this tunnel. I may add to my suffering by being petrified people will find out I’m in a depression.
I mean, it’s considered a mental illness, isn’t it? People will treat me different if they find out I have a mental illness. They may look at me and talk to me as if I am to be pitied. They may look beyond me, so to speak and focus on the illness. If people do that then I have no hope.
Even in my depression I have to somehow survive, right? I have to find the strength to move forward and not lie down and give up. That would be so easy to do. Allow the dark blanket of the tunnel to envelope me. To give up.
I want to survive the tunnel. To feel the warmth of the sun again. To embrace those who love and care for me. To reach out to those I think I can trust and let them know I need help. To know God remembers me. To recognize who I am.
I can’t survive depression by myself. I need those who care for me to come alongside me. Even if it seems I’m not paying attention to you, please don’t give up on me. Help me survive. I can’t do this on my own.
If any of you can feel my words as you read them, you understand. You know, I am one of you.
Please think the post through then comment.